Sunday, 15 February 2015

"I'm fine"

The biggest lie told of all - I'm fine.

It's true though isn't it?

The thing is, it's also something I say on a daily basis. It's not always a bold faced lie but I can guarantee its never completely truthful.

If anyone ever asks me the simple question of any conversation - are you okay? - I'm guaranteed to always answer with "I'm fine". Whether it be polite chit chat on Facebook messenger or directly after an inury or breakdown, it will always be my answer.

When my life turned upside down and people asked me, I'd always answer this way because I was scared to open up to people. Scared they would judge me and treat me differently.

Now?

I simply answer this way so they'll leave me alone to my thoughts.

What makes each answer different however, is the tone in which its spoken.

If my answer is more than likely to be true then my tone is positive and I will more than likely have a genuine smile on my face.

However, if I'm lying - which is most of the time - I will be blunt and negative, faking a smile just so they never knew how painfully broken I really was.

And that's what I love about the tone.

The words can be bold faced lies but the tone is always true.

To me, that's blissful.

"You always say,
I'm alright,
I'll be ok,
If I can keep myself awake"

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Control *TRIGGER WARNING*

I'm a 16 year old girl, longing for control over her life.

Since the age of 13 I've been struggling with life. My life.

But is it my life?

I often question myself over this because, quite honestly, how much control do we have over our lives?

I used to believe that good things happened to good people and when bad things started to happen to me I often thought to myself - "I'm not a bad person, am I?"

I used to be a happy-go-lucky child who always seemed chirpy and cheerful. I was a good student who worked hard and cared about her grades. Homework was always handed in. I always had a smile on my face. I was never a bad person, at least I don't think so

Now?

I'm a depressed teenager who hates her life. I often struggle to get out of bed, I cry myself to sleep each night. I sit there counting the calories in my drinks and foods, not daring to go over my own set daily limit of 200cal a day. I'm often wearing long sleeves and jumpers to hide the self inflicted scars on my wrist and panic if I think anyone has seen them because they'd think differently of me and think im a weirdo who's mentally unstable... they'd also be true. I'm a girl who waits until her mums gone to bed so she can secretly exercise without her mum worrying about her 'unhealthy habit'. I can barely look at myself in the mirror without picking out a dozen flaws in myself, forever unhappy with the way I look.

At the age of 13, I felt I had no control over my own life that I took matters into my own hands. This was the first time I ever took a blade to my skin. By the time I was 14 I'd fallen into the frightful hands of Ana and Mia because they gave me control over my life. By the age of 15 I'd started smoking because inhaling the toxic waste into my lungs gave me a sense of control as I placed the stick of death between my lips and set fire to my worries.  I believed these little habits gave me control over my life.

It is now the year 2015.

4 years ago was the first time I'd ever taken a blade to my skin. To this day I still struggle with self harm. Although I've loosened the grip Ana and Mia have over me, I still hear them calling my name, longing for my presence. Depression is still looming over me, pushing all its darkness into my brain and I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

The past is the past, mine still haunts me, making my life a living hell.

 But am I really living? Or am I just a lost ghost struggling to find peace?

All I know is, I'm done with this shit.